Jokes - Austin Texas

VISITORS' GUIDE TO AUSTIN, TX

  1. First you must understand that Austin is home to the Tree huggers!! If you must choose between hitting a little old lady with your car or hitting a tree....go for the old lady!
  2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has it's own version of traffic rules. Hold on and pray.
  3. Directions starting with, "Take Loop 1 or Loop 360" are all bogus... there are no roads in Austin that make a loop - all major roads go north and south only, except Koenig lane.
  4. The Chamber of Commerce has just figured out that Austin has had a major traffic problem for the last 10 years..... they are forming a task force to discuss it.
  5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will get rear ended.
  7. Don't even think about trying to pronounce Koenig Lane.
  8. Construction on IH-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
  9. All unexplainable sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be on 6th St.!!"
  10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect and has been on since they cut someone off in your lane.
  11. The wrought iron on windows on Airport Blvd. are not ornamental.
  12. All ladies with blue hair in Cadillac's have the right of way.
  13. Koenig Lane mysteriously changes names 6 times as you cross intersections.
  14. If asking directions on the southeast side, a knowledge of Spanish and proper Gang colors is required.
  15. The brand new Bergstrom Intercontinental Airport is NOT located on Airport Blvd. It has only one road going in and out and it is usually under construction.
  16. The "Upper" deck of IH-35 is slow, The "Lower" deck is dangerous, they both take you almost anywhere you want to go. Choose your weapon.
  17. A trip across town will take a minimum of two hours.
  18. The "fast" lane is rarely the fastest lane on any street.
  19. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading
  20. Don't ask why Manchaca, Burnet, Elgin, Guadalupe, and Koenig are pronounced other than how they look. No one knows.
  21. Loop 1, MoPac, and 1325, are really all the same road. Feel free to use the terms interchangeably, especially when directing someone from William Cannon, Ben White Blvd., or US 290 (all the same also), to Round Rock.

Austin Hillbilly

Sung to the tune of the BEVERLY HILLBILLIES theme song:

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote, now. Ya hear?