Barbie Jokes

READ ALL THE WAY TO THE END-THERE'S A TRICK TO IT. Finally a Barbie we can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comeswith hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front,too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B& B. includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included. If you forward to 11 people a video comes on your screen. This works. I don't know how...but it works This is the coolest thing I've ever gotten! All you have to do is send it to 11 people and this little video comes up on your screen and shows the funniest clip. I can't tell you what it is but I was laughing so hard! So spend a few seconds to send this and you'll be glad you did!

breed dog Barbie

I wonder if you have heard of the new line of Dog show Barbies.

1. Dog Groomer Barbie - This Barbie is always brushing, trimming, clipping and bathing. Her only draw back is that she is constantly wet and covered with hair. Comes with clippers, grooming table, comb, brushes, grooming smock, lint brush and Band-Aids. This Barbie is so busy, her canine clients often look better than she does.
2. Dog Handler Barbie - She comes with a moveable arm which can be snapped into place for perfect show handling. No way to lose with this Barbie beauty showing your mutt. She will do anything to win. She has been known to sleep with judges. This Barbie includes the book, "How to Suck Up and Win", along with many pocketed outfits for showing. Motor home sold separately.
3. Dog Handler Assistant Barbie - She's a handler wannabe who loves abuse. She is covered with hair, chalk and grooming spray. She comes with her pockets stuffed with assorted leashes, collars, combs, squeaker toys, and brushes. She is often seen with a variety of spray bottles hanging from her belt. She always smells of liver and has dark circles under her eyes. She has permanent leash marks on her hands from dogs whose owners insisted they were trained. She comes with all of the above plus a stress management video.
4. Dog Show Judge Barbie - This Barbie is looking for the right dog. After many years of picking "losers" for men, Judge Barbie is content finding "winners" in the dog ring. She comes with clipboard, granny glasses [sounds like one of my least favorite judges!], frumpy dress, the AKC guidelines on the perfect dog, a white glove to detect foreign substances, sensible shoes and a current rabies shot.
5. Dog Show Chairman Barbie - A blunder on our part, this Barbie comes complete with a case of Lady Clairol, a prescription for Prozac and an unlisted phone number.
6. Ring Steward Barbie - This Barbie is shy and reserved. She wears Nike running shoes for those quick trips to the potty due to lack of relief stewards. She comes with a map of the show site, so she can find her way back to the ring, crying towel for those inconsolable losers, rubberbands, armbands and a megaphone for the hard of hearing. She also has a monogrammed folding chair for her use only.
7. Junior Handler Barbie - [wouldn't this be Skipper?] - She is always a winner in her own mind. She comes complete with a short skirt, a ponytail, and a bad attitude. Unfortunately her life span is very short.
8. Pooper-scooper Barbie - This Barbie has no sense of smell (for obvious reasons) and is a glutton for punishment. She comes with a pooper scooper, muck boots, an orange vest, a lighted miner's helmet for those evening pickups, a sack of shavings, bleach, a mop and a bucket. She is often found surrounded by flies and "cleanup" is her middle name. She has a Certified Sanitation Engineer Degree through her local Community College.
9. Dog Show Vendor Barbie - This Barbie is not cheap and neither is her merchandise. She comes complete with a vending tent and sunscreen. She also has a variety of dog related items. If this Barbie doesn't have it they don't make it.
10. Dog Show Photographer Barbie - This Barbie is truly a sight to behold. Her photographer's vest is loaded with no less than fifty rolls of assorted film and a multitude of squeaker toys to get your dog's attention. She never takes a bad photo and will refuse to shoot ugly dogs. If you mention her name in your ad, she will give you extra 8 x 10's for free!
11. Whelping Barbie - This Barbie completes our line of Dog Show Barbies. She goes anywhere help is needed. She births babies at a moments notice. Comes with van, cell phone, dental floss, scissors, towels, goat's milk, forceps, coffee, and a pillow for those endless nights.

Performance dog Barbie

Obedience Barbie: Barbie comes with a training bag full of gear, a set of utility articles, a full set of regulation obedience jumps, her own lawn chair, cooler, a subscription to Front and Finish, and her very own obedience Golden Retriever "OTCh Sparklepond's Shorestepper's Heelalong Fool" better known as "Two-hundred". Accessories such as HIT ribbons and high scoring club plaques can be purchased separately.

Tracking judge Barbie: Barbie comes with a polartec snowsuit, Gore-Tex raingear and boots, wool socks, leather tracking gloves, silk long underwear, sunscreen, bug spray, a baseball cap, a waterproof clipboard, mylar paper and space pens in three colors. She also comes with whistles in two different colors to match the snowsuit and rain gear, a complete set of tracking flags, a compass, and a set of 12 different tracking articles. Unlike most Barbies, this Barbie always has a "bad hair day" so it's best to leave a hood or the baseball cap over her hair at all times. Included in the deluxe version is Barbie's tracking dog "Pokealong's Can't Find Squat TD", or "Sniffer", a Siberian Husky who comes with his own harness and rope as well as a lifetime supply of hot dogs. Sniffer has been known to eat start articles with one gulp and turn the start flag into a large toy at TDX tests, grabbing it in his mouth and running in large circles around the field (especially when there is a large audience watching). This version also comes with a case of Valium for Tracking Judge Barbie for this very reason. This is the most expensive Barbie and most collectors prefer to leave her in the original box.

Earthdog Barbie: Barbie comes with her very own monogrammed shovel, a custom-built liner for training, and a cage with three live rats. Also included are several pair of jeans, flannel shirts, t-shirts, rain gear, sunscreen, bug spray, and waterproof boots. Barbie comes with several small terriers (you choose the breed) and two first aid kits (one for the dogs when they get in fights, and one for Barbie when she gets her hand in the way) as well as a .38 revolver for emergencies (don't ask). This version of Barbie can be removed from the box but some collectors prefer to leave the terriers in the original box.

Herding Barbie: This very popular Barbie comes with her very own authentic drover coat, Stetson cowboy hat, several pair of cowboy boots, waterproof boots for very inclement weather, silk long johns, wool socks, and an monogrammed staff. Much like Tracking Judge Barbie, this version of Barbie has perpetual "bad hair", so be prepared to leave the cowboy hat on at all times. Also included is her very own monogrammed stretcher so that she can be carried out of the arena when the sheep run over her. Barbie comes with her own Sheltie, "Round 'em Up's Chaser HI", or "Yapper". "Yapper" comes with her own gold-plated chain so that she can be hooked up to the barbed wire fence with all the Cattle Dogs and Border Collies (barbed wire fence not included). Barbie also comes with several sheep, cows, and ducks, making her one of the more expensive Barbies.

Agility Barbie: Unlike most slim, attractive versions of Barbie, this Barbie is quite muscular from hauling very heavy A-Frames, Teeter-Totters, and dog walks. She can carry an A-frame panel with one arm and set up all of the contact obstacles single-handedly. Barbie comes complete with a full set of agility equipment, lawn chair, cooler, stopwatch, battery operated fans, an open-sided tent for shade, sunscreen, bug-spray, rain suit, waterproof boots, 57 different agility rule books for all occasions, and her very own courier (Ken) who can hand deliver agility entries to the most popular trials and stand in line for Barbie. Ken also helps set up the equipment. Barbie also comes with her own agility dog, Border Collie " U-Atch Runaround's Speed Demon AX, AXJ, etc, etc, etc, BFD", or "Contact". Trailer for hauling agility equipment sold separately.

And last, but not least, the most popular one of all is the

Dog Club President Barbie, who comes with TWO cases of Miss Clairol hair color (to color her own gray hair), a monogrammed strait jacket, a leather-bound copy of "Robert's Rules of Order", and a gold-plated gavel. The gavel unscrews at the end and is secretly a 357 magnum which can be used to keep unruly club member under control or just get rid of them all together!

Four wheel drive Sport Utility Vehicles and Mini Vans complete with dog crates are sold separately for all versions of Barbie.

Barbie's Letter To Santa:

Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but it'spayback time.There had better be some changes around here,or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smellit. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to gethim, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
5. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
6. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher, now lets make some real money.
7. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
8. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.
9. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
As ever,
.......Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa:

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:

First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything.

Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dreamhouses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe,obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms.Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest,for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken."Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken"(with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been underserved.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

Inclosing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine,at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
.......Ken

Barbie? GI Joe? or Ken?

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No", said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken"