Birds
There was a preacher who owned a parrot who liked to fuck chickens. The preacher warned the parrot that if he kept fucking the chickens, he was going to shave him bald to teach him a lesson.
One morning, the preacher awoke to the sound of the chickens going ape shit. So he went out to find out what was wrong, only to find the parrot fucking the chickens' brains out. So as promised, the preacher shaved the parrot bald. To further punish him, he took the parrot to church and placed him on a perch with strict instructions to tell the ladies to sit to the right, gentlemen to sit on the left as they entered the church.
Just as the parrot was settling into his job, two bald guys walked in. The parrot said, "Ladies to the right, gentlemen to left, and all bald-headed chicken fuckers up here on the perch with me!"
Dessert
Two robins were sitting on a branch high in a tree. One looked down and
saw
a field full of worms. Turning to the second bird he said, "We ought to
go
down there and eat."
"Good idea," said his friend and the two of them flew down to the field
and
ate their fill and then some. When he could eat no more one said to the
other, "You know, we ought to stop eating and fly back to our branch."
Rubbing his belly the second responded, "Yep."
With that they tried to fly to their branch in the tree, but they had
eaten
too much to get off the ground. The second one said, "Maybe we should
just
stay here and relax in the sun." Before long
the two birds slept, basking in the afternoon sun.
As they slept, a cat happened upon the field. Seeing the birds,
sleeping,
and oblivious to his presence, the cat pounced.
As feathers settled around him, the cat rubbed his belly, and said,
"There
is nothing better than baskin robbins."
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Confessions
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"