Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
>
> A: You call them up and tell them you can't cum
My Dick is not working....
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear,'" he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
VANILLA PUDDING
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The next day the newspaper headline read:
>IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.!
gross, but funny
A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day
when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl
said, "Mommy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making
cakes."
The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys
having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?"
Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes."
The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were
making cakes in the living room last night."
Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?"
She said, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
VIAGRA
>
> An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
> the pharmacist for Viagra.
>
> The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you
> want?"
>
> The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in
> 4 pieces,"
>
> The pharmacist said, "that won't do you any good,"
>
> The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them
> for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to
> stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
>
>
Best Management....
> > Obviously a female management team.
> >
> > I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
> >
> > * I do physical labour
> > * I work at great depths
> > * I work head first
> > * I do not get weekends off, annual leave or public holidays
> > * I work in a damp environment
> > * I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
> > * I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
> > * I work in high temperatures
> > * My work exposes me to contagious diseases
> >
> >
> > Response from the administration:
> >
> > After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have
> > raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
> > reasons:
> >
> > * You do not work 8 hours straight
> > * You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
> > * You do not always follow the orders of the management team
> > * You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit
other
areas
> > * You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
> > * You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated
in
> > order to start working
> > * You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
> > * You don't always observe correct measures, such as wearing the
correct
> > protective outfits
> > * You don't wait till pension age before retiring
> > * You don't like working double shifts
> > * You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have
completed
> > the day's work
> > * And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and
> > leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Two Kids
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and
I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I
had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and
when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year!"
The BeverlyHill Bobbits
(sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillys)
Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin'with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car taking' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hound just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is.
By a fence
Evidence.
Now peter and JOhn couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.
Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
with a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.
Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear??????
big bug
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his
deplorable
infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's
pecker.
Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10 year
old
daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the severed
pecker
smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter screams to her daddy, "Daddy, what in the heck
was
that?"
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender
age,
the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she
says,
"It sure had a big dick, didn't it?!"
Sunbathing
Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 12:59:44 -0700
Add Addresses
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
> little
> > girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper
> he was
> > reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have
> under the
> > newspaper?" "A bird," the guy replied. The girl walked away, and
> the guy
> > fell asleep.
> > When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the
> police
> > asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was
> lying on
> > the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the
> next thing
> > I know is I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the
> girl,
> > and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a
> pause, the
> > girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it
> spit on
> > me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on
> fire."
Rubber Gloves
To: la0611@hotmail.com
Add Addresses
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He
noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story
as he
was
putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up
with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according
to hand
size.
Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then
walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto
their
hands!
Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished
Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure,
he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed,
"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
Square balls??
> > > > > > > A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one
> > > > > > > day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she
> > > > > > > must speak with the president of the bank to open a
> > > > > > > savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
> > > > >
> > > > > > > After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
> > > > > > > ushered her into the president's office (the customer is
> > > > > > > always right!). The bank president then asked her how
> > > > > > > much she would like to deposit.
> > > > >
> > > > > > > She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of
> > > > > > > her bag onto his desk.
> > > > >
> > > > > > > The president was of course curious as to how she came
> > > > > > > by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised
> > > > > > > you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get
> > > > > > > this money?"
> > > > >
> > > > > > > The old lady replied, "I make bets."
> > > > >
> > > > > > > The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
> > > > >
> > > > > > > The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you
> > > > > > > $25,000 that your balls are square."
> > > > >
> > > > > > > Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You
> > > > > > > can never win that kind of bet!"
> > > > >
> > > > > > > The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
> > > > > > > my bet?"
> > > > >
> > > > > > > "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my
> > > > > > > balls are not square!"
> > > > >
> > > > > > > The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there
> > > > > > > is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with
> > > > > > > me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
> > > > >
> > > > > > > "Sure!" replied the confident president.
> > > > >
> > > > > > > That night, the president got very nervous about the
> > > > > > > bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking
> > > > > > > his balls, turning from side to side,again and again.
> > > > >
> > > > > > > He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that
> > > > > > > there was absolutely no way his balls were square and
> > > > > > > that he would win thebet.
> > > > >
> > > > > > > The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little
> > > > > > > old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's
> > > > > > > office.
> > > > > > > She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated
> > > > > > > the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
> > > > >
> > > > > > > The president agreed with the bet again and the old
> > > > > > > lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
> > > > > > > The president complied. The little old lady peered
> > > > > > > closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them.
> > > > >
> > > > > > > "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of
> > > > > > > money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
> > > > >
> > > > > > > Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly
> > > > > > > banging his head against the wall.
> > > > >
> > > > > > > The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the
> > > > > > > matter with your lawyer?"
> > > > >
> > > > > > > She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that
> > > > > > > at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
> > > > > > > president's balls in my hand."
> > > > >
Password]
I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago.
> >
> > I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from
the
information technology group came by our office asking us to enter
our passwords in the new software system.
> >
> > My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the
password "Penis".
> >
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:
> >
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
off to the races
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers,
went
on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred
horses
and the supporting industry.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided
that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The
teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of
the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up
by
their arm pits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but
notice
that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be
in
the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but
thanks
for the lift."
Herm
Herm the sperm was determined he was going to fertilize an egg. He knew he only had a one in a million chance so he worked out all the time. He was constantly swimming laps even while the other sperms were just hanging out.
The other sperms used to tease him about his wasted efforts. "Hey Herm, you're wasting your time.", they would tell him, "You'll never be the first one there. Then you'll have wasted your whole life training while we were enjoying ourselves."
But Herm just kept on working out. "I'll be first. You'll see.", he'd tell them.
Finally the time came, the time for Herm to run the race. He got lined up right in front. He had a clear lane in front of him and he just knew he was going to win. The excitement level was high as everyone anticipated the starting gun.
About the time the gun went off Herm heard someone holler,
"Wait Herm, come back! It's a blow job!"
Whats its name?
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink.' When the gay bartender approaches he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your penis?'
The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink'. The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumb founded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty customer asks,'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a licken ' and keeps on tickin'!'
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. 'So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because quality is Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?'
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is Secret.' Now give me my beer.' The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why secret?'
The customer says 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
Viagra
10.) Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9.) Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
8.) Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7.) Viagra, Home of the whopper
6.) Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
5.) Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4.) Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
3.) Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
2.) Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1.) This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. ....................Any questions?
NEW DRUG IDENTIFICATION:
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen,
Advil is Ibuprofen,
and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
Sneeze
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off again.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
: the long and short of it
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud,"this is great! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.
The man laughed,"This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you?
NO, NO, NO!!!
See Everyone wants Dick!
There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was sun tanned all over with the one exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the sand,except for his penis which he left sticking out.
Two little old ladies were trolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady said "what do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady said "Look at that, when I was 20....I was
curious about it. when I was 30.... I enjoyed it.
when I was 40....I asked for it.
when I was 50....I paid for it.
when I was 60....I prayed for it.
when I was 70....I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80 the damn things are growing wild, and I am too old to squat."
Question & Answer
Q: What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and mushy?
A: Bubble gum.
Q: What's the difference between a pig and a fox?
A: About four drinks.
Q: What do a meteorologist tracking a snowstorm and a woman's sex life have in common?
A: They're both concerned with how many inches and how long it will last.
Q: What do you call two skunks doing the 69?
A: Odor-Eaters!
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a pack of m&m's?
A: A cock that melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?
A: A rooster says, "Cock a doodle do" and a prostitute says, "Any cock'll do."
Q: Why did the rooster cross the football field?
A: He heard the referee was blowing fouls on the other side.
Q: Did you hear about the new lesbian sneakers?
A: They were called Dykies! They were recalled because the tongues weren't long enough.
Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and PeeWee Herman ?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Cadillac?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: What do you call a man and woman using the rhythm method of birth control?
A: Parents.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Good News / Bad News
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
Microphones
The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.
"I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria!"