Growing Old Jokes

Q: What's long and hard and fucks old people?
A: Osteoporosis.

Perspective on Age

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw-off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
There have always been red M&M's and blue ones are not new. There used to be beige ones?
They may have heard of an 8 track, but probably never have actually seen or heard one.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
They never took a swim and thought about "Jaws."
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II or even the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
"The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was."
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.

Do you feel old yet?

Never To Old To Learn

There's an old couple, both in their 80's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met.

They're sitting in a pub he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers.

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.' So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the bar and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

On the bus

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As the old man gets up and composes himself, a young kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "You know, if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it won't slip."

The old geezer man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I'd have a seat on this here bus."

Hokey Pokey

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died last week at 83. It was especially difficult for the family to put him in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and...and well, you know the rest.

Hearing Problem

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Two Old Men

Two old men go to a whore house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks how old they are. They say 90. So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.

When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?" I think mine was a witch.

He says "A witch"? Yea I bit her on the tit she farted and flew out the window.

Old Women Driving -- Now thats a scary thought!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh shit, am I driving?"

Life is a circle

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!!!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there....

Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

Happy aging!

And remember.. growing old is only mind over matter.... if you don't mind...it doesn't matter.....

Soup? or .....

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ... She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. He finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Growing Old is all about perspective

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to looked around when out of nowhere, a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old.

Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded,

"Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. "I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop.

I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students.

She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know." As we laughed she cleared her throat and began:

"We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.
"You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
"There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.
If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change.
"Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.
She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the years end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

Once you read this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they'll really enjoy it!

We send these words in loving memory of ROSE.

Remember, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.