The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize an animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."
He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."
He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"
His wife replied angrily, "From me!" "What did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!' "
A true report of a happening in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they need to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?)
Yes, the dog was a highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.
----BOOM!---- Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two goobers standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments!!
And you thought your day was not going well!!!