Q:How Do You Get Holy Water?
A: You Boil The Hell Out Of It
Q:What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
A:: Polaroids
Q:What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A: A Stick
Q:What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q:What Do You Call Santa's Helper?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q:What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
A: Quattro Sinko
Q:What Do You Call A Cow Who Has Just Given Birth?
A: Decaffeinated
Q:What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With A Vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q:What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreak
Q:Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
A: Right Where You Left Him
Q:Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A: Because It Scares The Dog
Q:What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A: Sanka
Q:What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
A: The Location Of The Dirt Bag
Q:Why Did Pilgrim's Pants Always Fall Down?
A: Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
Q:What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A: A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
Q: What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.
Q: What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? A: Einstein's cock.
Q: Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
A: Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A: Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: The one with the dirty knees.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits? A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: How do you tell if a chick's too fat to shag?
A: When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
Q: Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A: It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q: Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q: Whats the difference between Mayonnaise and semen?
A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girls throat at thirty miles an hour.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Q: Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A: They keep stepping on the strings.
Q: How do you piss off a female archeologist??
A: Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
Q: Why are Women's feet shorter than men's feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
Q: How can you tell a macho woman?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
Q: Why did god give men penises?
A: So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
A: All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
Q: How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A: Stick two fingers in his honey.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their testicles fall over their anus and they vapor lock.
Q: Why is PMS named PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was aleady taken.
Q. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A. The blonde, she's 18.
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE by Tommy Lee
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?
It's for Dickheads!
The workplace is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes..
Plumber:
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At A Laundry Shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay! "
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't... you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional"
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken back. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis." The Irish artist says "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting.
They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
One day Mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
If nobody smiled and nobody cared and nobody helped us along.
If every moment looked after itself and good things always went to the strong;
If nobody cared just a little about you and nobody cared about me,
and we stood alone, in the battle of life, What a dreary old world this would be.
Life is sweet, just because of friends we have made and the things which in common we share.
We want to live on, not because of ourselves, but because of the people who care.
It is doing and giving for somebody else on which all of life's splendor depends.
The joy of this world, when you've summed it all up, is found in the making of friends
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops agenie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkee."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.
One day, a girl walk to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him.
About this time, the son returned. "Well,Dad, isn't this a nice place." The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."
One day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away, but he had eaten too much and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking once airborne that he could take off flying.
Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the ground.
The moral: "Never fly off the handle when you know that you're full of shit".
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."