Presidential Jokes

Getting Technical... > > >In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the >Pearly Gates of Heaven... "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's >me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of >the Free World." >"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd >like to come in," replies Clinton. > >"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad >things have you done in your life?" > >Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't >call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate >extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I >didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were >misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false >witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of >perjury." > >With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, >here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' >You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you >enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting >for it to freeze over." Dr. Seuss had been President Clinton's lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this: I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain While talking to Saddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I did not fondle Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I would not, could not, with my wife Now, that Miss Flowers' tale of woes Was paid for by my right-wing foes And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers Are just a bunch of party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie And then just hang them out to dry I did not do it last November And if I did, I don't remember I did not do it in the hall I could have, but I don't recall There was no sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count if we stayed dressed I never used that big cigar You must believe me, Mr. Starr I did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my mama taught me I tried to hide, but now you've caught me But I implore, I do beseech Do not condemn, Do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, ever did inhale . .

four presidents

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain."

"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

Thank you President Clinton

Recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

  1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broaddrick. Are there any others that we should know about?
  2. Thank you for teaching my 8 and 9 year olds about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until they were about 10 or so to discuss it with them, but now they know more about it than I did as a senior in college.
  3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "IS" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex.
  4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie, "Wag the Dog," could be plausible after all.
  5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.
  6. Thank you for the 72 House and Senate witnesses who have plead the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democrat campaign fund raising.
  7. Thank you for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.
  8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips.
  9. Please give my regards to Hillary, when/if you see her. Tell her I'm working on a "Thank You" letter for her.

Looking forward to January 2001,

~ Average Joe

Baseball and the President

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game.

The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities.

The President shakes hands with those near him and gets high fives.

The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

The President's Pigs (Bill Clinton)

The President got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea. "

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied.... "Nice trade, sir."

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees, "The President Must Go!" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off.

He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The person had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stood silently and stared ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT!! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approached him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says, "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says, "Oh my God, I feel so....so....so....betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies, "Well sir, it was in Hillary's handwriting."

Which would you choose as the next president?

Candidate A:Candidate B:Candidate C:Choose one and then scroll down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Candidate A:Candidate B:Candidate C:Goes to show you can't trust anyone that doesn't appreciate a good steak.