Redneck Jokes

A hick from Alabama was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out, he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and ready. As the two begin, they find themselves passionately locked in the 69 position. The hick from Alabama, moments later, feels the sudden urge to cum and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, he went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The hick from Alabama answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Q: How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
A: She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit and what to swallow.

Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

REDNECK OBITUARY

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'BillyBob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries". Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pickup for sale'

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

GENERAL ------- 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT ---------- 1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ------------------------- 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE ---------------- 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money. 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) --------------------------- 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE ----------------- 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS -------- 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE ----------------- 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. Prev | Next | Inbox - Choose Folder -[New Folder]AndyBrandonChrisClintJasonJokesKevinMP3PasswordsPicsRonStephenTonyWebmaster StuffWoodycharlie as attachmentinline text Download Attachments Redneck Logic From: Jerry L Meredith Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're homosexual, ain't ya?" There was a German, an Italian and a Texas Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1. Be shot 2. Be hung 3. Be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus So the German said,"Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then >the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked >at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom. >

You Know You're a Redneck......

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side...

If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...

If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV...

If you thought the Unabomber was a wrestler...

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

If you think a quarterhorse is that ride in front of K-Mart...

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...

If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...

If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher...

If you've ever asked the preacher "Hows it hangin?".

If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...

If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph...

If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...

If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate"...

Don't go Muddin with Rednecks

There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain, these two young rednecks ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.

They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and he started tapping on it lightly! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "you have any tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I'm going pretty fast!"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?" in stark terror.

The old man gently replies, "You jackasses want some help getting out of the mud?