A priest is in his church on Saturday afternoon hearing confessions. A man walks in, kneels down and says, "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession - these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."
The man leaves, and another enters the confessional and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest thinks to himself that this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners.
"Those are your sins?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."
The man left. Soon, another entered and knelt. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession, and these are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?" "Just a woman I know, Father," came the reply. "Very well," said the priest, "you are forgiven. Go out and say ten hail Marys."
The next morning the priest was giving the sermon in front of his congregation. The doors flew open in the back of the church and in walked a tall, gorgeous red-headed woman with a green sequined dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather. She walked straight up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest just stared.
He finally caught himself and leaned over to ask the alter boy. "Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?" The alter boy had a long, hard look and said, "No, Father. I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
Each morning as the rabbi walked down the street to his temple, a little white boy always waited on the corner and said, "Good morning, Rabbi."
One morning the little white boy was sick and couldn't be at the corner. A little black boy who had observed the greeting each day decided he would greet the rabbi. As the rabbi approached, the little black boy stepped up and said, "Good morning, Rabbi." The rabbi said, Good morning son. Are you a Jew, too?"
The little black boy said, "Naw suh, it's bad enough just being a nigga."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
George loved the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a bee-line for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed, won the race.
George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated.
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.
george began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race, and anointed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
George placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched, the horse come in dead last. George was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!"
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???
The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis..
The nun is a little reluctant but reply's Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate...
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns.
One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush???
The nun reply's If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, they decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and being the charitable souls they were, decided that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room, so they opened the door.
"Nice boobs", says the man,".....where do you want the blinds?"
A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions.
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession - Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Mary's." The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins, I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green? Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well-you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Mary's." The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is . . .
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy
Pssssst.. . . Is that Nookie Green?
The altar boy has a look and says, No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes...
A young minister, in the first days at his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard time, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell -- the nut has gone to Heaven."
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he Tell off."
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in an airplane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with hisreading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest,"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith. The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"
There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help.
The wise old Bishop said,
"Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."
The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said,
"Last night I was in the arms of a hot woman,"he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion,
"Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand'.
How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No sh*t?!? What happened next?'"
A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody.